Episode 1

Scene: Later that morning at the office of Sterling Cooper, which is heavily populated by Rat Packy young men in suits

Pete: I’m getting married this weekend, but I look like the cheating, weaselly type. Oh, and I’m a corporate climber, so get out my way, Don. I so totally have my eye on your office.

Peggy: Hi, I’m the new, young, innocent secretary, fresh from Miss Deaver’s Secretarial School. Golly, I hope I never get corrupted by the people working at this big advertising agency.

Joan: Welcome. I’m a fiery redhead with a “been there, done that” face, so I’m probably a tramp. Here, let me show you around. This is an electric typewriter. And a telephone. And an intercom. Don’t be too overwhelmed by all of this technology.

Peggy: These short bangs are so unflattering. I looked so much cuter when I was Zoey on “The West Wing.” My kidnapping subplot was cool.

Joan: Yes, you’re dowdy. But you have pretty legs. You should dress like a tramp if you want to succeed here. Oh, and you should get on birth control.

Scene: Another client meeting in the conference room

Lucky Strike Client: I’m played by the guy who was Holling in “Northern Exposure.” My God, I’m still alive? Wow, that show was, like, 20 years ago, and I seemed old then. And yet I don’t look that much older now. Weird. So what do you have for me?

Pete: People who like your product have a death wish.

Lucky Strike Client: Shut your piehole, boy. I’m done with you.

Don: Hey now. Just wait. What makes Lucky Strike different?

Lucky Strike Client: Well, um, our tobacco is toasted.

Don: I’m going to write “It’s toasted” here on this chalkboard. Other companies’ tobacco will kill people, but this will make yours seem better.

Lucky Strike Client: Brilliant!

Everyone: Yay!

Scene: Pete’s bachelor party at a strip joint that evening

Pete: I’m a philandering jerk.

Salvatore: I’m making really obvious comments about being gay. Are you guys picking that up?

Scene: Peggy’s apartment that night

Pete: Hi. I’m drunk and inexplicably managed to find your apartment. Can I come in and fool around? You know, since I’m getting married this weekend and all.

Episode 2

Scene: Lunch in a cafeteria

Ken: I’m a nondescript account executive. Take the afternoon off so we can go and fool around.

Peggy: No thanks. I just slept with Pete after my first day. He’s on his honeymoon now, so I’ll just pine away for him.

Scene: That morning at the office

Peggy: Hi, Paul. My boss called in sick.

Paul: Let me kiss you. There. OK, now close the door so we can do it.

Peggy: Go away.

Joan: You totally screwed up these envelopes, Peggy. What’s your deal, other than your chronically unflattering hair?

Peggy: Why does every guy here want to jump me? I’m completely caught off guard by that, even though you told me it would happen and I got on birth control and let Pete jump me on my first day.

Joan: It’s just because you’re new. Enjoy it while it lasts, Frumpy.

Peggy: I’m going to cry in the bathroom. Dammit, there’s yet another secretary crying in here already. What is it with this place?

Episode 3

Scene: That morning at the Sterling Cooper office.

Everyone: Hey, Pete! How was the honeymoon?

Pete: Do I seem different? You know, since I actually had to sleep with my wife and not one of our secretaries.

Harry: Oooh boy, that wedding ring is like catnip now.

Pete: I’m a changed man, I tell you. I’m all committed to what’s-her-name now. And the more I say this with an earnest face, you just know I’m going to be chasing Peggy around the office wearing nothing more than a strategically-placed Post-It note any minute.

Peggy: Welcome back. Please throw me over this desk and have your way with me.

Pete: Hey, who put this Chinese family and a bunch of roosters in my office?

All: Aren’t we a bunch of culturally insensitive practical jokers? Sensitivity won’t be required at the workplace for at least 20 years.

Pete: Yay!

Scene: Later that morning at Peggy's desk

Pete: Um, hi. I’m back now.

Peggy: I see that. Please jump me. Right here. Right now.

Pete: I should be in that meeting in Don's office.

Peggy: Fine.

Pete: I’m married now.

Peggy: Yeah, I picked up on that.

Pete: Your hair looks weird.

Peggy: I know. Sometimes the ponytail is short and curly, and sometimes it’s long and stringy. I can’t believe the continuity expert on this show isn’t noticing it.

Pete: And when I showed up on your doorstep in a drunken stupor after my bachelor party, your bangs were a lot thicker.

Peggy: I know. That was a more flattering wig. This thing on my head today is just awful. Is it my real hair?

Pete: I think so. Bleck.

Peggy: No wonder you don’t want to sleep with me anymore. Fine, I’ll pretend it never happened.

Scene: Inside Don’s office

Don: So how is marriage?

Pete: Trudy’s sort of fun. I might not cheat on her for a couple of days. You know, we should get our wives together and all go out sometime.

Don: Fun times. Because you and I aren’t cheaters, and my wife isn’t a neurotic basket case or anything. Yes, let’s get right on that.

Scene: Later in the conference room at a meeting with Rachel Menken of Menken’s department store.

Rachel: Hello, boys. I apparently wandered through the wardrobe department of “Hello Dolly” on my way here today. My hat is huge and covered with feathers. Achoo.

Pete: I’m such an annoying sycophant today. Here’s a research guy, whom I will describe as having “more degrees than a Russian protractor.”

Research guy: Hello. I have a really fake English accent.

Don: Oops, there goes my cuff link, rolling toward you, Rachel. I’m going to make eyes at you now.

Rachel: And I’ll make eyes right back at you while I catch your cufflink.

Research guy: No, really. This accent is BAD. Like, Julia Roberts in “Mary Reilly” bad.

Rachel: So this is a competitive research report, and yet it seems that you failed to visit my store as part of your research.

Team: Um. Err. Duh. (put fingers to lips and make “blublublublub” sound)

Don: Don’t worry. I’ll fix it.

Rachel: Wanna come by the store tonight and flirt some more?

Don: Hell yeah.

Episode 4

Scene: Morning at the Sterling Cooper offices. The boys are in Pete’s office listening to “The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart.”

Guys: Hahahahaha. Woo-hee, this guy is funny!

Hildy: Your wife is here, Mr. Campbell.

Fun: I’ll be sucked out the room now.

Pete: Hello, Lovely.

Trudy: Hi. I apparently spent the morning fashioning an ill-fitting coat out of the couch upholstery.

Pete: Do we have a lunch date? Hildy can show you my appointment book. You know, you’re not supposed to be seen. Or heard, for that matter. And what is that in your hair, a precursor to the banana clip? Nice.

Trudy: Let’s go out. I want to show you something.

Pete: Oh hey, here’s Don.

Don: Hi. I’ll pretend to like your husband now.

Peggy: I’m standing here, too. I can’t wait to hear how Pete will introduce me to his wife. Maybe he’ll tell her that I’m the secretary he slept with the night before his wedding. That would be cool.

Pete: I’m looking at Peggy, but I’m not going to acknowledge her.

Peggy: No, really. What’s he going to say about me? I’m sure it will be something flattering.

Pete: Still ignoring you, Peggy.

Peggy: Well, this is uncomfortable. I’ll wave awkwardly and go back to my desk. And then I’ll drown my sorrows in rubber cement. Bastard.

Scene: Fancy pants apartment, somewhere in Manhattan

Trudy: So it’s 1,500 square feet with two nice bedrooms. It’s on the market for $32,000, but Elaine the realtor said we can get it for $30,000.

Pete: Um. I’ll remind you that I make $75 a week, Lovely. And you’re an idiot, so I’ll do the math for you. That’s $3,500 a year.

Trudy: Blank stare.

Pete: Lovely, you know I want to give you everything. Including the name “Lovely,” said in a most patronizing tone. But really, my whole salary is barely 10 percent down on this place.

Trudy: Duh. Like we really have to earn anything of our own. Our parents are rich. Now you go beg for money while I measure the windows.

Scene: The house of Pete’s parents

Pete’s dad: Well, the boat’s in the water. And I apparently killed a Century 21 realtor and stole his gold jacket to wear with these plaid shorts. Boy, do I have a cob shoved up my behind.

Pete’s mom: I hope you and Trudy come to Fisher Island this summer.

Pete: I’m just so busy at work.

Pete’s dad: Please. You don’t work. You just wine and dine people. Hey, I’m a racist!

Pete: We found an apartment.

Pete’s mom: Is it where other rich people live?

Pete: Of course.

Pete’s mom: Yay!

Pete: It’s expensive. Cough up some cash.

Pete’s dad: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Pete: What? You thought it was a good idea when Bud hit that girl on a bike last summer.

Pete’s dad: Too bad.

Pete: Why is it so hard for you people to give me anything?

Pete’s dad: We gave you everything. We gave you your name. And what have you done with it?

Pete: For one thing, I haven’t gone out in public with those shorts.

Scene: Sterling Cooper conference room. The team is presenting boards to Walter Veith of Bethlehem Steel

Walter: Woo-wee! I’m a country boy here in the big city. So what do you fellas have for me?

Don: The last time we talked, it was about how we all take steel for granted. Check it out: "New York City. Brought to you by Bethlehem Steel." We could do it for other cities, too.

Walter: It looks plain. Like a WPA ad. Or the opening credits to "Night Court."

Don: This is exactly what we talked about the last time you were here.

Walter: Well, um…

Pete: The ads suck. Give us another day and we’ll fix it.

Walter: Okee dokee. Bye!

Don: What in the hell was that?

Pete: He didn’t like it.

Don: You didn’t prepare him to like it. He was seconds away from going for it. Know your place, boy. I’m the ideas man. You’re supposed to get him on a boat. Get him into a swimming suit.

Audience: Walter? In a swimming suit? Bluh.

Pete: I have ideas. All the time. I came up with direct marketing. Well, someone else already had, but I came up with it independently.

Don: This place has more failed artists and intellectuals than the Third Reich.

Pete: Oooh. Good one.

Scene: Later that night. Pete and Trudy and having dinner with her parents.

Trudy’s dad: Lookee you and your big job, Pete. You’re living the life. See how different I am from you father? Look, I’m even wearing big boy pants!Trudy: Hey, dad, can we have a lot of money to buy an apartment?

Trudy’s dad: You betcha!

Pete: I have no balls.

Scene: Later that night at a bar. Pete meets up with Walter.

Pete: Hi. I brought you a couple of tarts. Let’s pretend they’re my cousins.

Walter: Yee-haw!

Pete: Let’s get drunk. Hey, I have an idea for the campaign: “Bethlehem Steel: The Backbone of America.”

Walter: Whatever you say, boy. I’m horny. Yee-haw!

Scene: The next day in the conference room. Don and the team are presenting new boards to Walter with an “O Little Town of Bethlehem” theme.

Walter: They look kinda familiar.

Don: We’ve perfected the language.

Walter: I know this isn’t what you want to sell me, so don’t sell it so well.

Don: Huh?

Walter: “The Backbone of America.” Pete pitched it to me last night.

Don: Huh? Oh yeah. Nice work, Pete.

Walter: Yee-haw! Bye now.

Pete: I told you I had ideas.

Don: Good one. Enjoy it. Now I need you to go get a cardboard box and put your things in it.

Salvatore: You picked the wrong time to get an apartment.

Pete’s intestinal tract: Gurgle. Gurgle. Seize. Seize.

Scene: After the meeting in Roger’s office

Don: I just fired Pete Campbell.

Roger: Why?

Don: I was fixing the problem he caused for us yesterday, and he went out and pitched his own copy.

Roger? What? Let’s go tell Dad.

Scene: Outside Mr. Cooper’s office. Don and Roger take off their shoes.

Don: Dude, you just shrank down about six inches. You’re totally wearing lifts!

Roger: I’m ignoring you.

Mr. Cooper: My office looks like the inside of Benihana. So what happened, Shorty?

Roger: Pete Campbell, a junior account executive, brought his own idea to a client. At a bar.

Mr. Cooper: I’m making a weird analogy between our work and a watch now.

Don: Huh?

Mr. Cooper: Have you noticed that I look and sound a little like Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars? Anyhoo, Pete’s mom is a Dykeman. Her family used to own this city. Don’t piss her off. We need to keep lil’ Petey around here for business.

Don: Oh, so he’s more valuable to the agency than I am?

Mr. Cooper: I’m making a weird sausage analogy now.

Don: Mmmkay.

Scene: Pete’s office. The door flies open, and Roger and Don storm in.

Roger: What you did is totally unacceptable. I wanted you out. So did Cooper. But Don fought for you. From now on, you live and die in his shadow.

Don: OK, I’ll play along with that.

Pete: You got it. Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to put my lower intestine back in.

Scene: Later that night Pete and Trudy’s new apartment

Trudy: Yay us and our new apartment. Yay my father for giving us the money so fast.

Pete: I have no balls.

New neighbor: Hi. I hear you’re rich and connected. Just wait until I tell my husband who your mother is!

Everyone: Let’s all stand around and impress each other with how rich we are!

Pete: I’ll go over here and look out the window. Maybe my balls are down there in Central Park somewhere. Sigh.

Episode 5

Scene: Later that morning at Sterling Cooper

Receptionist: Congratulations, Mr. Draper. I heard Advertising Age ran a picture.

Don: Whatever. No one ever reads that.

Ken: Check me out! I got a short story published in Atlantic Monthly! It’s called “Tapping a Maple on a Cold Vermont Morning.” Sounds like a euphemism, but I’m such a nerd, it really is about syrup tapping.

Pete and Paul: Golly. Sounds like quite the page turner. We’re going to patronize you now because we’re jealous.

Paul: Oh wait. We’re here for a meeting about Liberty Capital Savings.

Pete: They want a new promotion to get people in. How about a toaster giveaway? Or a blender?

Ken: Oooh. I like blenders!

Don: Zip it, Mrs. Butterworth. Women don’t do the banking, fools. We manly men do. Oooh, and because most of us are philanderers, we need our own accounts, beyond the family.

Pete: I see that. Discretion. Discretionary. I’ll just sit here nattering forms of the word “discreet” while I think about getting one of these accounts so my wife doesn’t know about the things I do on the side. Like Peggy.

Paul: And the bank statements would come to the office. It’s perfect for pulling one over on the little lady at home.

Everyone: High five!

Scene: Shortly thereafter in Don’s office

Phone: Ring ring.

Don: Hello?

Peggy: It’s Bix Beiderbecke for you.

Don: Huh?

Peggy: Yeah. Bix Beiderbecke.

Don: OK.

Midge: It’s me.

Don: Who’s Bix?

Midge: The trumpeter. I’m thinking of playing the horn this afternoon.

Audience: Holy God! Could that be a more obvious euphemism? We’re a little creeped out.

Peggy: Doodly doo. I’ll pick up the phone over here. Wait, what’s this I’m hearing?

Midge: Just get down here. I want you to pull my hair and ravish me and leave me for dead.

Peggy: My virgin ears! OK, not really, since you all know I let Pete strap a saddle on me on my first day here. But still, ewwww.

Don: OK, I’m leaving my office now. I’ll be back after lunch.

Peggy: Right. Lunch. Whatever.

Scene: That evening in Pete’s bedroom. Trudy is reading something in bed.

Pete: YOU HATE IT.

Audience: Oh God. The volume! The volume! Turn it down!

Trudy: I have a stick up my butt. This is strange and modern. I only like the classics.

Pete: My jammies are buttoned all the way up. I’m losing circulation in my neck.

Trudy: Seriously, what is up with this story? There’s a talking bear.

Pete: Idiot. The bear’s not really talking. It’s what the hunter imagines the bear to be saying. Der.

Trudy. Um. Oh. It’s, uh, very well written. I just overpronounced the t’s in “written.” Because I don’t have the capacity to deliver dialogue naturally.

Pete: Yes, I’m magnificent. Call Charlie Fiddich and tell him to publish it.

Trudy: Why?

Pete: Because Ken Cosgrove, an account executive, published some lame turd about syrup. And I just overpronounced the t in “account.” Ha.

Trudy: But you were so upset when I told you.

Pete: Told me what?

Trudy: That Charlie was my first.

Pete: Huh? Oh, that. Well, you can make it up to me now, you tramp.

Scene: Charlie Fiddich’s office

Trudy: Why, hello.

Charlie: Hi. My head is too small for my body.

Trudy: Did you like Pete’s story?

Charlie. That doesn’t matter. I miss you. I miss being with you. But seriously, look at my head. It’s like a pluot.

Trudy: That’s very sweet to hear. The part about you missing me. Not so much the stuff about your freakishly undersized noggin. Which you’re right about, by the way.

Charlie: Let’s get it on.

Trudy: No. I’m a newlywed. Maybe like some movie, when we’re old. And the rest of your body has shrunken down to match your head size.

Charlie: Like what, “Cocoon?” No. I want you now.

Trudy: Oh boy. This is gonna get weird.

Scene: The conference room. The team is meeting with the client from Liberty Capital.

Paul: The modern executive is a busy man. He leads a complicated life. He has business expenses. Family. Leisure. And he cheats. A lot.

Client: Huh?

Paul: You should offer an account for a man that is private.

Client: Ah. An executive private account.

Paul: Lookee here at this mockup with the torch of the Statue of Liberty.

Pete: I like that. It says “Don’t get burned.”

Client: Huh?

Pete: I like turtles.

Scene: That evening at Pete’s house over dinner  

Trudy: I have good news. Charlie came over.

Pete: And?

Trudy: Your dumbass bear story is going to be published. Yay!

Pete: That is incredibly swell news. When? Where?

Trudy: In Boys Life magazine. Yay!

Pete: Um, what? That story was good enough for the New Yorker. Now it’s going to be next to some ad for explosive cigars. You’re a hag. You don’t want me to have what I want.

Trudy: Wow. My boobs are really pointy and projectile when I’m shot from the side.

Pete: I’m mad at you. For the story thing, not the boobs, but now that you mention it, that is a weird angle. You should talk to the director about that.

Trudy: I could have gotten you the New Yorker or the Encyclopaedia Brittanica if I wanted to.

Pete: Why didn’t you?

Trudy: I just don’t know why you’d put me in that position.

Pete: As if I’d do that. Of course you can pick the position that you’re the most comfortable in while I pimp you out to get my stuff published. Hey look. Pot roast.