Episode 1

Scene: Shortly thereafter in the conference room. The account team sits around staring at a plate of sandwiches. Don obviously is late for a meeting.

Kenny: I’m hungry.

Duck: I’m a drunk.

Peggy: I’m really big for my britches now that I’m a copywriter.

All: Shut it. We still don’t respect you. Go find out where Don is.

Paul: Check out the beard I grew during the hiatus. I’m like Orson Welles over here.

Dale: Draper must have knocked Peggy up, then she came back when she was all skinny.

All: Who in the hell are you?

Dale: I’m apparently named Dale. I just showed up without any introduction or backstory.

Pete: Peggy? Knocked up? Oh, don’t make me guffaw. What an entirely ridiculous notion. Ha ha ha ha. No, she went to a fat farm. I thought we had verification.

Scene: The Campbell home. Pete comes in and gives Trudy a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Pete: Hello, Lovely. Happy Valentine’s Day. Good God, what are you wearing?

Trudy: I know. It’s the most hideous fabric ever. The wardrobe people clearly have it out for me.

Pete:  I really bought that candy for me, not you. Open it. I want one. Because I’m a selfish ass.

Trudy: I’m bitter. Harry’s wife is pregnant and I’m not. And some overly fertile woman I saw on the street pissed me off today. It’s this big club they’re all in together.

Pete: She doesn’t have what you have. And by that I mean a weaselly, gun-toting yet emasculated husband who knocked up the secretary and has a secret love child lurking out there somewhere. I am totally going to snap one of these episodes. Just you wait.

Scene: Montage of various characters at home watching Jackie Kennedy give a White House tour on television

Jackie Kennedy: Hi. I’m disturbingly Stepford-y.  

Salvatore: Where’s her husband? Not that I’d have any reason to look at JFK, mind you.

Kitty: Surprise! You scored a beard during the break! The credits say I’m Kitty Romano, so I guess we’re married. What could possibly go wrong?

Joan: I’m ignoring my doctor boyfriend while he paws me. You just know I’m going to hook up with Roger again. God, I hope he doesn’t croak on me.  

Pete: I’m a cad. I just ate all of Trudy’s candy.

 

Scene: The next day at Sterling-Cooper. The guys are sitting around a table while two young interviewees march by.

Kenny: We’re so screwed. Hey, Harry, congrats on your soon-to-be fat wife.

Harry: Yay, me. I guess we smoothed over that whole “I nailed Hildy the secretary” thing.

Pete: Are you happy?

Harry: Hell yeah. Now I don’t have to prance around the office late at night in my tighty whities for the viewing public to see.

Scene: Pete’s office. The team gathers around to panic about the interviews.

Kenny: Come on, Daddy. How often do you get to celebrate getting some girl pregnant?

Pete: Woo-hoo! Here I come.

Harry: He meant me, dumbass.

Pete: Oh. I knew that. Because I most certainly haven’t ever impregnated anyone. Certainly no one in this room. Speaking of, Peggy, do you want to have kids?

Peggy: Eventually. Can I go now? This is awkward.

Episode 2

Scene: The hallway outside a noisy party.

Pete: This sounds like the place.

Trudy: I’m pretentious. I’m worried about the car. Because this is New Jersey, which clearly is peopled entirely by hooligans.

Pete: We can still go home. This was your idea.

Trudy: But all of these people work for you, you big strong management type, you.

Pete: Huh? Oh, right. Lovely, go easy on that. Some of them don’t feel that way. And, by the way, I’m really a peon and just keep lying to you about my job.

Trudy: What?

Pete: I said a dog peed on me while I was buying a corncob.

Trudy: Swell! Let’s go inside.

Scene: The hallway of Paul’s apartment. Eugene is climbing all over Peggy.

Eugene: Come home with me.

Peggy: Why?

Eugene: Because I live alone. And I’m a good kisser.

Peggy: I’m in the persuasion business. Frankly, I’m disappointed by your presentation. Now, if you were married and carried large firearms around the workplace, I’d let you violate me on unsuspecting office furniture at 8:30 a.m.

Pete’s Couch Cushion: She ain’t kidding, buddy.

Scene: The next day in the Sterling-Cooper office. Roger and Don walk in and find everyone standing around the radio.

Roger: Excuse me. This is a place of business.

Paul: Shut it. A plane went down. American Airlines flight 1 to L.A.

Peggy: Well, that sucks. Speaking of sucking, I’m randomly bringing a massive vacuum to the office. Carry on.

Don: Cancel everything in production for Mohawk Airlines. We don’t want everyone opening the morning paper and seeing a Mohawk ad next to a picture of a floating engine. Now stop crying and figure out how we’ll hit the ground running in three weeks.

Paul and Duck: Sure thing. But first, let’s tell inappropriate jokes about plane crashes.

Pete: Hey, me, too! Has Head and Shoulders been invented yet? I have great jokes about that.

 

Scene: Later in Don’s office

Don: Hidey. What’s going on?

Pete: I just got off the phone with my brother. My father was on that plane.

Don: Oh. Wait, I know this one. Did he have dandruff?

Pete: I’m serious. I don’t know what to do.

Don: Go home.

Pete: I don’t know how old he was. Am I supposed to cry?

Don: You’re in shock. Go home and be with your family.

Pete: Ewww. Why?

Don: Because that’s what people do.

Pete: Is that what you would do?

Don: Yeah. Well, first I’d probably drink myself into a stupor, and then I’d wander to the Village and service my old mistress. Then I’d get my boss drunk and full of oysters so he’d puke right on cue in front of a room full of clients. Oh, and I’d drive my long-lost brother to suicide. But then I’d totally go home to what’s her name.

Pete: Betty?

Don: Oh. Right.

Scene: The Campbell house. The family is gathered around to talk about arrangements.

Trudy: Hey, here is an idea. Let us never use contractions and deliver our lines like we are catatonic.

Pete: Good idea, Lovely. OK, Mom. You go first.

Pete’s Mom: I shall cancel my trip to Sarasota. There is so much to do. Hey, what is that?

Trudy: What, this garish elephant statue behind me?

Pete’s Mom: Take it. I want you to have it.

Trudy: Are we terrible actors or great actors? Are we really supposed to talk like this?

Bud’s Wife: He was such a fine man. My father admired him.

Trudy: What a nice thing to say.

Bud’s Wife: I like to offer a nice bouquet of thoughts. OK, that's it. Who wrote this crap? Are we really supposed to believe people talk like this? I went to Julliard, dammit. It's the writing, people, not the acting.

Bud: Hey, Pete. Dad was broke

Pete: Crap. What about the old lady’s money?

Bud: Not so much. Dad sucked that away, too.

Pete: Double crap.

Mom: Father called you Salt and Pepper.

Pete and Bud: P-push it real good!

Scene: Another restaurant. Duck is meeting with Shel Knealy from American when Pete shows up.

Duck: We stupidly jumped the gun and fired Mohawk.

Shel: God, that was dumb. We have no idea what are plans are.

Pete: Hidey. Your plane just killed my dad.

Shel: Wait, I know this one. Head and shoulders, right?

Pete: I'm serious.

Shel: Oh. I'll pass that along. Maybe there's an opportunity for us after all.

Pete: Woo-hoo!